Sunday, October 25, 2015

the layoff

One month ago today I was officially laid off from a company that I'd been with in one way or another for 25 years. My job would be eliminated due to the new fiscal year budget; the slow down in business had something to do with the current oil glut and low gas prices, or something along those lines. They said it was not me; it was business. Really? It felt like me. In the end it doesn't matter because the outcome is the same. People are let go every day, always have been, and always will be. I've heard you can't take it personally but still you do, or I did anyway. I knew we were slow and I should have not been surprised but we had always had slow times and I still felt important at my job. It sucks when they decide you're not that important. A friend asked the day it happened if I felt devastated and I thought about it and could honestly say no. What I felt wasn't like that; it was more like a feeling of surreal numbness I can't explain. Maybe numb was better and it needed to sink in slowly because if I had let myself consider what it all could mean for the future I may have been truly devastated. Now, a month later, I'm not sure how I feel. Still not devastated but still a little numb. I will miss the people I worked with every day for years (some more than others). The future is not exactly clear but at the same time that feels ok, for now. Actually it hasn't been all bad. There have been some nice things about this unexpected change in life. I have been able to see my grandkids and husband more, help my mom a little more, things like that, and the simple things have been nice, like taking walks in the park, taking care of my dog after her surgery, going shopping during the less crowded week days. And I don't miss driving to St. Louis every morning, or mindlessly staring at my computer all day hoping for a new assignment. I tell myself I am on a break, a much-needed break. I know I will never find another job like the one I had and I will never make as much money, or anywhere near it. But I will find something and I have hope that it will be something I like better and maybe am better at; I don't know. Only time will tell but whatever comes, one thing I know more than anything else is that I am lucky and more blessed than many. Thanks to my husband, family, and health, I feel blessed and nothing, not even a surreal mind-numbing lay off, is going to change that.

with my buddies Paula and Paul, one of those I will miss the most

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